Skeletal Writings

While I was reading my Twitter feed, I came across a link to an article, written by an author I like (most of the time, but it totally depends on what book of hers I'm reading).  So she was talking about being bullied as a child and how it affected her.  Powerful stuff.  Here's the link in case anyone wants to read for themselves: http://www.deadlinedames.com/?p=5192#comments.  I highly recommend it.  In reading the comments (don't worry there's nothing nasty there) I was reminded of something I recently talked to my dad about.

First of all, I want to share something completely related to this.  When I was youngish (thirteen or fourteen) I absolutely loved having my hair cut short and wearing boys clothing (baggy cargo pants in awesome colors like dark olive green, baggy shirts with super-cool, somewhat edgy designs).  The only thing I hated was that sometimes when I'd be in a more traditional-roles state, people would say "Sir?  Sir?  Can I take your order?"  and I'd say "Oh, uh, I'm not a sir."  Give or take that last sentence; sometimes I'd just ignore them until a family member would say "Jess?  They're talking to you."  Oops.  So there was that.  Other than people genuinely mistaking my gender, I loved it.  Because nobody else was doing it (my school was kind of traditional-roles, too, as well as everyone being about the name brands and being hot and...well, you get the idea).

Here's the thing I learned.  Being yourself is so not worth it when you're a teenager.  Because if you didn't follow what was "in" and if you didn't look like everyone else (even in a school that claimed/still claims to be multiculture and such, I stood out a little...and unfortunately/fortuantely-depending on where I am and how I feel about myself in general-I can't easily change skin color) and if you did your own thing and if you just weren't normal...problems, problems.  People do not readily accept you.  In all fairness, these were people I knew for a good eight or so years in other grades and some of them just didn't like me anyway.  So there is that.  But still, it is hard being a teenager.

Long story short, a lot of people just thought I was weird and ignored me.  A few people went out of their way to say "Ewwwww!  She is like so ugly!" and I direct quote that.  Even friends thought I was a bit wonky, but the majority of them do not count because they kind of had a point.  It was not a great three years.  

And then on the high school level, slowly but surely I grew out of my wanting to be different.  I became a little more like everyone around me.  The people I preferred hanging out with were out of the usual folks (drama kids, artists, writers...basically, my definition of cool people) but that happened because being a little weird/a little different is part of my personality.  While I didn't do a total 180, I made some major changes (some in the name of wanting to be accepted again).

This brings me back to what I was telling my dad.

Me: So as you can see, it isn't easy being different when you're a teen.  You have to be hot and cool and you can't be anything different because that's bad.
Dad: Some teens don't think that.
Me (completely in my own head):  Yeah?  Then how come I was so stupid miserable in middle school (the year I dressed like a guy)?

In this author's article, she says that being bullied is not your fault and you should speak out.  Because, you may be thinking it's acceptable behavior and you're supposed to take it with a smile, but  in truth it is not at all appropriate. 

I'd like to add to that (I can't, obviously, it's her piece and it's a fantabulous piece as it is, but if I could...) that being bullied causes issues even after you're long out of middle school/high school.  I, for one, am terrified of being around people and trying to make friends, because I worry that I'll hear a variation of "Ewwwww!  She is like so ugly!"  As my dad says "You're a grown woman!  You are not in middle school anymore!"  Yeah, but I was at one point, and it was not pleasant.  And it really does leave an impression on you, whether you're still in middle school (or high school or college or wherever) or two-plus years out.

Want to know something interesting, though?  Today if I was to do the same thing I did in middle school (wear boys clothes, cut my hair real short) I would be much more accepted.  Because it seems that being older (I'm 20 and working, but I'm also that age when I could've been almost through college) makes you less likely to care what people think (because you like what you're wearing and maybe, depending on the day, how you look) and people care a lot less about how you look anyway. 

Except maybe your boss, and that is a completely different story.